Now that the NDP has uncovered the fact that Canada's Department of National Defense provided most of the talking points for President Hamid Karzai's speech to Parliament on his last visit to Canada, I thought Mr. Karzai might accept my draft for his next speech to the Canadian people. This speech will presumably take place after an expected fall election. Thank you Prime Minister Dion for that kind introduction. I am honoured to have been invited by your new coalition government to address the Canadian Parliament and the Canadian people once again. Firstly I would like to thank the families of the Canadian soldiers who have given their lives in Afghanistan for their sacrifice. Next I would like to thank the Canadian people for putting their hard won international reputation on the line and supporting NATO's mission in my country. I feel I must comment on recent developments in Canadian politics. Canada's new Minister of Foreign Affairs Mr. Jack Layton joined with Mr. Dion in a coalition government to defeat Mr. Harper but only under the stipulation that Mr. Dion would hold a vote on pulling Canada's troops out of the south of Afghanistan in February 2008 and pulling out of Afghanistan all together at the end of the current mission in 2009. It may surprise you but I think this is a good idea. Recent negotiations with several Taliban officials have made me optimistic that stability can be achieved. I am not concerned for my own safety. My security is taken care of by American soldiers and private security contractors (mercenaries). Also my own militia protects me. This army is made up of ex-Northern Alliance fighters who used to be aligned with the Russians. You know, back when the US was aligned with the Taliban. There is also an uneasy alliance of other warlords who I am able to bribe with western money, who support my regime, and protect me and the poppy fields of my allies. A peace deal with the Taliban in the south will make your brave Canadian soldiers unnecessary in the region. Of course, we will have to give up on reconstruction in the south but most of what is in need of reconstruction was caused by American bombers. The same bombers that dropped bombs on innocent villagers causing them to chant, "Death to Canada! Death to America!". They will have to live under Taliban oppression but at least they will have some security. This new stability will enable the Americans to build their oil pipeline from the Caspian region to Pakistan. This will allow me and the other warlords to continue our narco state until the next fake election that takes two weeks to complete. The Afghan people will, of course, still be dirt poor and living with a corrupt police force, judiciary and army. The female children of ex-patriots who live under my rule in Kabul will continue to make up the majority of girls going to school. In conclusion, Canada certainly wasn't going to change a single thing that was going on in Afghanistan and leaving now won't change a thing either. However, taking my side in the battle of warlords for control of the "smack" money has really put me in an excellent position. Thanks chum....ps.
P.S. A Liberal-NDP coalition government is not a prediction. Unfortunately, both sides are too partisan to work together. One can dream however.
